Do you have a goal? A dream? A wish? Most of us do. Or, I should say, most young people do. And that’s sort of my point today…
Most people, in early adulthood, and as adulthood is approaching, have a dream. A goal. Something they very much want to do with their life. For a lucky few, that dream is encouraged from the beginning. But if that dream involves a high level of success, like the goal of becoming the president, or has anything to do with a creative field, like music or theatre or writing, then that person is likely to hear a lot of discouraging “advice.”
“What’s your fallback plan?” that young person will be asked. Every day. “What are you going to do when that doesn’t work out?” I know I certainly heard that. I get different questions now, which I’ll get to in a bit.
The thing is, there’s nothing at all inherently wrong with having a backup plan. Knowing what your second choice is, in any situation, is generally a good thing. Sometimes I even pick a second option on a restaurant menu, like when I have a question about an ingredient or preparation method on my first choice, and I know I might not like the answer. There’s nothing wrong with being prepared.
But I thought this through on a deeper level recently, and realized there’s a flaw in the approach to backup plans, and it’s one that our society more or less enforces. The best illustration I can think of for this flaw is really old, but it’s still the most perfect example I can give. So here goes…
I used to watch a TV show in the early 90’s called Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. If you’re old, like me, maybe you watched it, too. It was your typical high school comedy, albeit a bit snarkier than most of its contemporaries. I loved that show, but I remember almost zero detail. Except this one, because it got me riled up, even back then. Especially back then. One of the characters, Mikey, was a musician, with aspirations to rock stardom. This desire was a defining part of the character.
I don’t remember which season it was, but it was probably near the end of the series because the characters were all focused on plans for college. In the midst of all the pre-college stuff, Mikey received an offer from a record label. Like, a legit offer. Not some “pay us $500 and we’ll press your record” scam, and not a “take this chintzy advance and we might call you to record an album someday” crap offer. This was “sign with us and come hit the studio.” A for-real record deal.
And Mikey was torn, debating it for the whole episode. And getting lots of advice. Lots of terrible advice, if you ask me. And, in the end, he took that advice, and said “no” to the label. He needed to go to college first, he said. Because that’s what you do. That’s the backup plan.
Except… why? Why would you say no to the real goal in favor of the fallback? And, of course, this was presented on the show as him making the “right” decision, the “mature” choice. Of course he’d turn down a chance at rock stardom and instead go to college, because that’s “realistic.”
I think about that episode again every once in a while, and most recently something connected for me that hadn’t before. It isn’t just that episode. It isn’t just the dream of being a rock star. Our society, as a whole, only really respects the choosing of the backup plan over the dream. Giving up your true goal is considered “growing up.” And not just a hopeless dream, which of course some of them are. Any dream that’s too big. Any goal, it seems, that would bring actual joy to the person’s life.
Am I being negative, characterizing it that way? Maybe. Probably, even. But it’s what I’ve seen around me, my whole life. Adults are super condescending with young people about their dreams, but offer praise and respect when those dreams are sacrificed for the pursuit of a more “realistic” goal.
Fast forward into adulthood. That attitude doesn’t change much. As I said, I’m old, but I’ve never given up on the dream. I’ve never stopped believing that’s it’s a good thing to have goals. And I can still see the same attitude in people around me, it’s just from different angle now.
When I tell people I’m a writer, there aren’t a ton of different responses. A lot of people—a whole lot—call it a hobby, assuming that’s surely all it is. Others ask if I’ve ever considered trying to get something published, not imagining for a second that I might already be published. (When the people who ask that are told “I’ve published all kinds of things,” they’re usually astonished.) Most of the time, though, people just dismiss the claim entirely, not taking it at all seriously.
This is because, as an adult, they assume I’ve obviously done the “right” thing, and sacrificed the dream for the reality. That I’ve earned my “grown up” badge by giving up on silly dreams and settling down into a “normal” job. When I disabuse people of this notion, when I’m clear that I do intend to make writing a career, that I work hours a day toward that goal, they’re rarely impressed.
What most people seem to be, honestly, is annoyed. Offended, even. How dare I be so self-indulgent as to pursue happiness? How dare I spend time and effort on something that makes me happy? Don’t I know that adulthood is about sacrifice? About giving up the things I want to do in favor of the ones I have to do?
Which really, though most people don’t see it, comes down to the notion that adulthood is defined by unhappiness. If you’re enjoying your life, then you’re a self-indulgent child. The only way to be a grown up is to be more or less miserable, all the time.
All of which, IMHO, is so much bullshit. Sure, if your “dream” is to play video games in your underwear while someone else works to keep you, when you’re physically capable of getting a job and helping out, that’s pretty irresponsible. But wanting to be happy? Wanting to do work that’s satisfying and rewarding, work that you want to do? What the hell is the point of life if not to enjoy it? Sure, we all have to do things we don’t enjoy, but we do those things to support a life we want. Or, at least, that should be the goal.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, beyond just ranting into the void. But I hope the right people are drawn to read this. The people who need to hear it, and who can take something from it. So…
If you’re a young person, and I don’t just mean a teenager here, but anyone under thirty or so, then don’t listen to that garbage. Growing up is not synonymous with giving up. If you have a dream, no matter how lofty, don’t just throw it out so you can brag that you sacrificed to the altar of adulthood. If your dream is a tough one to achieve, like being a rock star, then sure, consider what more mundane career might fall in line with that and also make you happy. But don’t give up on your real dream unless or until you genuinely don’t want it anymore. (And that can happen, too. I wanted to be a musician as a teenager, then changed focus to writer in my twenties. That wasn’t giving up, that was changing my mind.) And if a shot at your dream comes along, a real shot, don’t let the fallback distract you. Don’t ever choose the consolation package over the grand prize.
And if you’re not a young person, I invite you to evaluate. Did you have a dream you gave up on? Do you still want that dream? If so, can you revive it? And I don’t necessarily mean anything as extreme as a full-on, midlife career switch (though there’s certainly nothing wrong with that!) I mean, can you work that thing back into your life?
If you’re still working towards your goal over thirty, or over forty, or fifty, or seventy, don’t stop. People achieve newfound success at every conceivable age. And okay, maybe if your goal was to be an Olympic gold medalist and you’re now sixty eight and retired, that’s not achievable anymore. But you could still find something to do with athletics and/or the Olympics that would enrich your life and make you happy.
And at any age, ignore the scorn of people who believe you shouldn’t have dreams, that you shouldn’t pursue happiness. Because those people are afraid of their own dreams. They’ve convinced themselves that dreams are unachievable, or that working towards (or achieving) them is indicative of a character flaw. That’s a terrible way to live your life, and an astounding number of people do just that. If you’ve fallen down that hole, I urge you to climb back out. I promise you, there are plenty of us up here with a hand to help pull you up.
Life is meant to be enjoyed, and dreams are meant to be realized. Fallbacks are a good thing to have, but only when you need to fall back. Dreams don’t exist only to give us something to sacrifice to the altar of adulthood. There is nothing lazy, shameful, or selfish about wanting to enjoy your life, and nothing immature or irresponsible about pursuing the life you want to live.
So there.
~Sara